I think in my last couple of posts I said that you should not drink and blog....I was drunk at the time. Tonight is no different, only I am not drunk but I am well on the way and will be finished and maintaining by the end of this post. Again I say, DRINKING AND BLOGGING IS NOT OK!
So someone very close to me, let's call her Ellise, was at Sears with her daughter and she had to go to the bathroom. Just find the bathroom right? Well not in this case.
You see Ellise has a phobia when it comes to public restrooms. She will not use one. As a matter fact she used to drive home from work just to use the restroom, even though there was a restroom 40 feet from her at the office. Madness right? Back to the story.
Ellise and her daughter go to Sears and they get separated shopping in there separate areas when it hits Ellise.....she's gotta take a big dump. She ain't regular like me (between 9:30 and 10 am I am unavailable if you know what I'm sayin'.....EVERY DAY) so when she gotta go she gotta go. Oh, by the way Ellise is fine as hell!!! Disappointing isn't it to hear that the fine ass chick gotta dump like the rest of us.....but I digress.
The first thing Ellise thinks is "We gotta roll, that coffee is kickin' in faster than expected!" So she calls the daughter, Ellise Junior. For real that's her name. For the sake of this story we will call her junior from here on. No answer when she calls her. Then no answer when Ellise texts junior.
Ellise, knows that the reception in this particular Sears sucks yet 'she got work to do.'
So now fine ass Ellise is on the move, bumping old ladies out of the way trying to get to the car. Who else shops at Sears besides old people unless you are looking for a lawn mower?
She sends me a text on the way to the car, "I gotta take a dump and Junior not answering the phone...I'm out!"
As Junior's daddy I am concerned. I call her and she picks up the phone and says, "I'm out! She should've answered the damn phone."
"So you're just gonna leave her?" I say.
"Damn straight she knows I can't use public restrooms. She shoulda' stayed close."
Who knows they gotta stay close to people who have both a bathroom phobia and car keys? WTF?????? Lesson learned by Junior and those who are reading this piece of crap blog.
I called Junior and told her that she is at Sears by herself. By now she is standing in the parking lot wondering what is going because she can't go longer than 10 minutes of phone reception because she might miss a life altering text. I suppose getting left at Sears could be life altering? At least for Junior. Junior is the freshman in college version of T.O. "I LOVE ME SOME ME!"
"Hey did you know mom left you?"
"No, but I just got her text so I ran to the parking lot but the car is gone."
"You're mama left you there because she needed to take a dump and you didn't respond to her call or text."
"Seriously?" she asked.
"Seriously" I said with a big scoop of sarcasm.
"What am I supposed to do? This is ridiculous!"
"You're right maybe an one of them old farts can give you a ride."
About 20 minutes later Ellise called, "Wooo! I feel 10 pounds lighter!"
I say, "What about my damn daughter stuck at Sears!?"
She says, "She knows I'm not using any public bathroom so if she ain't where she needs to be when the feeling hits she is out of luck! You got a problem with that?"
I just said, "No" because at that point it was going to be a problem.
I just prayed that I would see my daughter, Junior, again.
Luckily, when I got home Ellise was there, fine but lighter, and Junior was there in one piece.
That's All I Got!
I'm Out!!
44Black
