Lost in Despair, Liquor, Rick James and Mary J.

I see the way you look at me......as if to say its right.  I pray for you day in and day out?
Something is happenin' to me,,,,the man I used to be he's gone, he gave up his life,,,,, so I could go on.
On into heaven where a love of a lifetime resides in you...........Kem
I'm waiting on heaven.  There is a downward spiral here on earth.  Somehow it is my doing, but I don't know how to pull out of the spiral.  How do I save us, or what is left of us?  I am broken, yet she doesn't notice because she is broken.  I broke her but have no glue. 
During an earlier post I wrote that my intentions were not malicious and they are not.  But what I think and know in my heart makes no difference to the world.  They don't give a damn.  It is all perception.....so I have to act accordingly....at least for one person, or be alone. 
I declare that I am a good man and I thought the world thought so too.  Do I continue down the road of being a good mutha' fucka' according to me or do I move to understand that not only am I not what I thought I was but actually pretty shitty dude.
Love means something to me and the person I love means something to me.  I realize I am a different dude, not an average dude but an above average dude.....again according to me.  Hell according to her a few days ago I was great.  But I guess it is like I said in a post a couple of years ago, 'how you look at your worst is how you look.'  Damn that can be bad for me as well as a bunch of chicks out there!  LMAO!
My heart is wounded.  I am not at the crossroads as I was years ago.  But she thinks I am a the crossroads, which means she is prepared for the crossroads???????  Hummmmmmm  what does that mean for me?
Just writin' no editing 'bitches!' 
I have been wrong in this sitiuation in some ways and I am sorry for it.  I just want to get past it.  Seeing and feeling you act halfway normal makes me think you are past it too.  Just treat me like shit so I get it......I know you can do that!!!!Lmao!  Liquor is a hell of a drug!  That's 'Rick James Bitch!'  Didn't I say in this very blog not to drunk blog?  Oh well do as I say not as I do!  BTW I am too funny to be doing LMAO! 
My life is taking this strange spiral right now.  Can you spiral up and down at the same time?  Professional and God (Thank you for all) going good but the rest of life......Damn.  Getting my balls kicked in.
Pretty sure wife don't want me but I have painted her in a corner.  Not on purpose but that is how it has worked out.  BTW people seem to think me and God not on the same page.....we goooooood!  I get with him on a daily!
Friends?  She said let's be friends and work from there......Friends?  Friends?  WTF am I?  I am 44Black!  10 years bitches.....wait '99?  That's 12 years sportsfans!  Friends?  Let me repeat 'cause your didn't hear me FRIENDS!  I didn't react but a brotha is broken over that.  My face is cracked.  I will surely erase this shit tmw.
Damn, my marriage, my side hustle and my paper fucked but career jumpin'........you confused yet?  I am!
I think it is time for me to spend some time in the weight room.  This is what I did back in the day.  It worked then, it will work now....with God mixed in.  That will keep me where I need to be!!!!!!!!
'I'm Rick James Bitch!!!!!!'
"Like sweet morning dew,
I took one look at you
and it was plain to see
you were my destiny"  Mary J.
I tell you what bitches (bitches is male and female in most cases) I'm gonna lay it out as much as I can without getting divorced tmw.  I am lifting my Glenrothes (my sister says that's for old white men) to giving to you as straight and honest as I can. 
Here is honest.  I am in my living room (floors and walls by 44black) drinking my scotch and dancing/writing to pre-crazy Lauren Hill.  Well she was kinda crazy cuz its the mtv live album.....I think she took a night off from crazy.
No spell check tonight.....live wit' it!
That's all I Got!!
I'm Out!
44Black!